Humiliation
by Pretty.Little.Liars
Summary: The harder you try, the dumber you look. ---- Chapter 6, Renji, Bang Bang. ---- Centered around shinigami in the human world.
1. It Burns!

**Title:** Humiliation  
**Author:** Ugly.Beautiful  
**Genre:** Humor / General  
**Rating:** K+  
**Character:** Yumichika Ayasegawa  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** The harder you try, the dumber you look.  
**Word Count: **506  
**Warnings:** Shameless torture of all shinigami and their happenings in the human world.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Bleach_ more things like this would happen. And the summery belong to despair .com.

**A/N:** Was watching the early episodes of _Bleach_ the other day and it was the one where Rukia couldn't get that juice box open. So, I shall make all shinigami have drabbles where they are retarded about normal human-world stuff. But I need ideas, since I only know what I want to do for a few of them.

* * *

The fact that the shinigami and gifted humans had gathered in Inoue Orihime's house today, normally would have put a damper on Yumichika's day, but he had discovered a drawer in her bathroom full of the most interesting things.

"Hm, I wonder what this contraption does," he wondered out loud to himself. The small case was snapped open and he sneezed when some sort of powder flew into his face. Shaking his head, he tossed the compact over his shoulder and pulled out the next thing in the small bag. "Mascara," he read off the side of the tube. "Pull brush through lashes to achieve length and volume and beautiful eyelashes."

Unscrewing the top, he stared for a minute at the bristly brush, before shrugging and reaching up to pull it through his eyelashes. A creature as beautiful as him deserved even beautiful eyelashes.

Of course, his brief minute of staring at the mascara had caused the mascara to dry and the brush didn't pull through his lashes like they were supposed to.

"Ouch," he cried, when he accidentally yanked too hard. His eye clamped closed automatically the clumpy mascara on his lashes was shoved into his eye. "AIE!" He screamed, grabbing at his eyes. "It burns!"

The door to the bathroom slammed open and Orihime burst out laughing. "You're supposed to wipe off the extra first, silly."

Glaring up at her with one eye, he held the other tightly closed, not realizing he had mascara smeared like a black eye all around his other eye. "That," he growled, pointing at the tube he had thrown onto the counter, "is certainly not beautiful!"

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, cause you know the minute Yumichika saw something that said, "be more beautiful with…" he'd freakin do it. And it would probably nor work out well.

And the mascara, yeah, cause it took me for freakin ever to master that stupid piece of hell-spawn. If I didn't have clumpy lashes, I was stabbing myself or blinking mascara into my eyes. Then your eyes tear and everything runs. Fan-tastic.

And I know there are no instructions on the sides of mascara tubes. At least there isn't on any of mine. But it would have taken too long to either give him a makeup book or have him figure out what to do with it himself.

Reviews! Even though this is craptastic crap!


	2. It's In My Eye!

**Title:** Humiliation  
**Author:** Ugly.Beautiful  
**Genre:** Humor / General  
**Rating:** K+  
**Character:** Shunsui Kyoraku  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** The harder you try, the dumber you look.  
**Word Count: **587  
**Warnings:** Shameless torture of all shinigami and their happenings in the human world.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Bleach_ more things like this would happen. And the summery belongs to despair .com.

**A/N:** Was watching the early episodes of _Bleach_ the other day and it was the one where Rukia couldn't get that juice box open. So, I shall make all shinigami have drabbles where they are retarded about normal human-world stuff. But I need ideas, since I only know what I want to do for a few of them.

* * *

_The human world was such an interesting place_, the Eighth Division Captain thought to himself as he stared around in interest. The women here were so much more fun then the ones in Soul Society. Look at how short that skirt was!

It had taken him a while to find a set of clothing that he liked. Lazy as he was, he was used to his baggy shinigami uniform and his flamboyant pink haori. As it was, he was wearing a pair of jeans that was continuously falling off his hips and a men's dress shirt. In pink, of course. He felt misplaced without his straw hat, though.

But oh well. He could live without it, if he got to hang around such lovely women all day.

His attention suddenly zeroed in on a stunningly gorgeous brunette with wavy hair pined away from her face and hanging down to her hips. A pair of thin, wire-rimmed glasses sat in front of sky-blue eyes. His head coked sideways at her… outfit? Could you really call it that?

Denim shorts that were… really short. "Daisy dukes," he had heard Ishida-san distastefully call them once. And a white tank-tap that revealed, not only the outline of her black bra, but several inches of her flat, tanned stomach and a bellybutton ring.

Excellent.

"Hello gorgeous," he said in his rich voice, as he sidled up beside her on the corner.

She eyed him suspiciously. "Hello," she greeted warily, one had inching for her pocket. "Can I help you?"

"I was just thinking how such a beautiful day should be spent with a beautiful woman." He took another step forward, intend on slinging a friendly arm around her shoulder, and paid no attention to the small device she was whipping out of her pocket. "You are a beautiful woman," he continued, his arm settling on her shoulder.

"Pervert!" She screamed, the contraption in her hand whipping around to stare him in the face.

He had a moment to contemplate both her outrageous accusation that he was a pervert and the thing in her hand, before she pushed a button on the top of it and he was sprayed in the face.

He reeled backwards in shock, clutching at his face. "It's in my eyes!" He screamed, horrified at the thought that he was blinded. He grunted when the woman kicked him in the shin and marched off, muttering something about perverts as she left him there.

An hour later, he was seated in the Kurosaki Clinic, sulking after having his eyes cleaned out. "If anyone tells Nanao-chan that such a thing as 'pepper spray' exists, I will kill them," he pouted.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, that pepper spray stings like a son-of-a-gun. Lol. And you know the girls in human world would be all like, "Captain of what? Get out of my space!" Yeah…


	3. The Smell Of Burnt Hair

**Title:** Humiliation  
**Author:** Ugly.Beautiful  
**Genre:** Humor / General  
**Rating:** K+  
**Character:** Byakuya Kuchiki  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** The harder you try, the dumber you look.  
**Word Count:** 704  
**Warnings:** Shameless torture of all shinigami and their happenings in the human world.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Bleach_ more things like this would happen. And the summery belong to despair .com.

**A/N:** Was watching the early episodes of _Bleach_ the other day and it was the one where Rukia couldn't get that juice box open. So, I shall make all shinigami have drabbles where they are retarded about normal human-world stuff. But I need ideas, since I only know what I want to do for a few of them.

* * *

The shower was convenient, he decided, stepping out the marble device. The water came from seemingly nowhere whenever he wanted it. He never had to wait for servants to fill his bathing tub with hot water, it simply poured from the strange silver faucet whenever he turned the crystal knob. It was handy.

He should see about getting them installed at the Kuchiki Manor in Soul Society. Of course, he had no idea where the water came from. When asked, Kurosaki had said the water came from the pipes. Which prompted another question and a just as useless answer.

"The pipes get it… from wherever the pipes get it."

Tch. How useless he was.

But, perhaps he could explain this strange piece of machinery, the Kuchiki wondering turning the… thing over in his hands. His adopted sister had called it a 'blow drier,' with which he was supposed to dry his hair. Which was well and good, he couldn't wander around the human world with soaking wet hair curling around his shoulders.

"Hm," he mused, staring at the 'blow drier.' A strange rope connected it to the wall, for what purpose he could not fathom, but these humans were strange creatures. His finger slid against something on the side of the machine and he jumped, startled as air abruptly began to blow out of the end. He experimentally slid his hand across the same piece and the air stopped.

He allowed himself a small smirk of victory as he turned it on again. He didn't need that ryoka to show him how it worked, he could figure it out himself.

It was simply really, all he had to do was point the air at his hair and wait for it to dry. This worked well for a second, until the hot hair burned the tender head of his scalp and he yanked the drier away with a start. He stared at it. There must be some secret to this.

Holding the drier up to his hair again, he slowly swished it back and forth. There. That was better.

When that side felt dry, he tried to shuffle the appliance to the other side, but the cord didn't want to cooperate and he cursed as his wrist got tangled in it. After a second of trying to untangle himself, he paused, sniffing curiously at the air. What was-

He dropped the blow drier with a barely muffled curse as he realized too late that, while air blew out of the front of the device, it was sucked into the back of it. Just like his hair.

And if anyone wondered by Byakuya demanded his sister fix the burned strands of his hair later, they never commented on it.

* * *

**A/N:** Eh, I'm not happy with this one, it seemed better in my head. I knew I wanted to do something with a blow drier and Byakuya though, he always has such nice hair. Lol.

And no girl can tell me they haven't done this at least once. Gone to turn your head or move the hair drier and realized, crap, that was my hair! It is not a pleasant smell. Lol.

And I need ideas. I know what I want to do for a couple other people, but there's a lot I'm drawing blanks for. And they don't really have to be so 'duh' for the character, like makeup and Yumichika and pepper spray for Shunsui. I mean, what did juice boxes have to do with Rukia? XP


	4. Turn Left Here!

**Title:** Humiliation  
**Genre:** Humor / General  
**Rating:** K+  
**Character:** Kenpachi Zaraki & Yachiru Kusajishi  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** The harder you try, the dumber you look.  
**Word Count: **578  
**Warnings:** Shameless torture of all shinigami and their happenings in the human world.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Bleach_ more things like this would happen.

**A/N:** Was watching the early episodes of _Bleach_ the other day and it was the one where Rukia couldn't get that juice box open. So, I shall make all shinigami have drabbles where they are retarded about normal human-world stuff. But I need ideas, since I only know what I want to do for a few of them.

**Dedication**: For _The High Demon Lord_, who gave me the idea.

* * *

He could not, for the life of him, think of why humans complained about how hard this was. Were they retarded? Driving was _easy_! Gas pedal, brake (but who really needed that anyway?), and the steering wheel. Point and steer, what was so difficult about that?

"Turn here Ken-chan!"

Complying with the request/command immediately caused an ear-ringing screech of tire-on-asphalt and left pretty skid mark around the sharp turn.

"Slow down Kenpachi!"

Grinning maniacally at the pale substitute shinigami in the back seat, the Eleventh Division captain said, "Why would the machine go this fast if you weren't suppose to?"

"But it's the _law_!"

"The law? HA!" When Yachiru, perched happily in the passenger seat, pointed in some obscure direction, Zaraki spun the wheel again.

And since his hands were occupied with gripping the armrest, Ichigo clenched his eyes shut so he didn't have to watch the screaming pedestrians dive frantically out of the way of the black van barreling insanely down the sidewalk. "We are going to _die_…" He mumbled, his heart leaping in his chest as the car jumped off the curb and back into traffic, accompanied by squealing tires and honking horns.

"Are you sure this is the right way, Yachiru?" Zaraki asked, careening through another red light.

"Uh-huh!" She chirped happily. "Geta-boshi is gonna be happy to get his car back! Oh!" She yelled suddenly, face pressed against the windshield. "Turn left here!"

Jerking the wheel to the left sent them spinning through an intersection, tires screaming in all directions, the loud blare of horns only slightly drowning out the bump of the van going over another curb and the violent, metal-crunching crash as they slammed into a wall.

Fortunately, shinigami are made of sterner stuff then most people (too bad of Urahara's van), so the trip shook off the impact, Zaraki peering though the smoking rubble of the wall they'd driven through. "Is this that idiot's shop?"

At around the same time Ichigo groaned in the backseat, Yachiru pointed at the uniformed man making his way through the carnage, an incredulous look on his face.

"You're not Urahara," Zaraki stated flatly.

The man gaped at them for a second longer, glancing from them, to the car, to the remains of the wall, and shook his head. "… you have the right to remain silent…"

* * *

**A/N:** Short and to the point. Yachiru sucks at directions and Zaraki sucks at driving. Wonder how many people they killed.

Yes, Urahara really has a black van. Yes, I'm making Yachiru's nickname for him be the same thing Ichigo used to call him. Yes, they crashed into the Police Department and got arrested. And no, it didn't last very long. How could it? Lol.


	5. Here Puppy

**Title:** Humiliation  
**Genre:** Humor / General  
**Rating:** K+  
**Character:** Sajin Komamura  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** The harder you try, the dumber you look.  
**Word Count: **566  
**Warnings:** Shameless torture of all shinigami and their happenings in the human world.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Bleach_ more things like this would happen.

**A/N:** Was watching the early episodes of _Bleach_ the other day and it was the one where Rukia couldn't get that juice box open. So, I shall make all shinigami have drabbles where they are retarded about normal human-world stuff. But I need ideas, since I only know what I want to do for a few of them.

**Dedication**: For _Thunderwolf66_ who gave me the idea for "Komamura and pets." This is close enough. Lol.

* * *

The human world really was an interesting place. He had been worried, for a little while, that he wouldn't be able to go, since there weren't any people like him anywhere in the world. But Urahara assured him that it would be alright for just one night. Whatever _Hollow-ween_ was, Komamura was glad it let him wander around Karakura in his normal form.

He'd gotten to explore the entire city and no one had seemed shocked or appalled by his face. Actually, quite a lot of strangers had come up and tried to touch his ears. And asked him how he moved the mouth when he talked. What strange creatures these humans were.

But that was yesterday and now, Urahara said, it wasn't safe for him to walk around the town in a gigai. So he'd been on his way to return it… when the most delicious smell had wafted by his nose and he hadn't been able to help himself.

What _was_ that? The smell led him to a wide back ally. There was one of those car things parked at the end, a big box-y white one, but Komamura ignored it, focusing instead on the plate in the middle of the ally. Who would just leave something that tantalizing sitting somewhere.

Whatever it was, he realized, picking up a piece and tossing it into his mouth, it was crunchy and… there was some sort of paste inside, that tasted like peanuts, but smooth and oh-so-tasty. But it stuck to the roof of his mouth and he had trouble getting it off.

"That peanut butter should keep your mouth shut, pooch."

Komamura glanced up to see a man get out of the car, something long and slender held in his hands. He tried to ask what he meant, but the "peanut butter" made it hard to talk, and he wound up just smacking his tongue around his mouth trying to remove it.

"You're a big dog aren't you, boy?" The man said, inching closer. "Or maybe you're some kind of bear."

He tried to say he was no such thing, but nothing came out. So he settled for trying to figure out what the man was doing.

"I'll need a high-strength tranquilizer to use on you," he said, holding up the thing in his hands and pointing it at the captain.

Komamura cocked his head to the side when the human squeezed the little lever on the underside of the contraption and suddenly something flew out of the end pointing at him. He glanced down when something struck him and saw a little dart. Brows furrowed, he looked back up at the human, who was watching him expectantly. Did he really think… (wow, he felt kind of woozy)… something that small… (was the ally spinning?)… would effect… (ground, getting, closer)… him…? And then he collapsed.

He was only half-conscious when the man's footsteps came into his line of sight. "I'm gonna have to call someone to help me move you, boy, but then you're going to the big house."

Komamura didn't know what the "big house" was, but he had a feeling it wasn't anywhere he needed to be.

The man leaned down an ruffled the hair between his ears and he was too out of it to do anything. "That'll teach you to eat strange foot, you mangy mutt."

Komamura hated the human world.

**

* * *

**

A/N:

I don't know, I really don't. 


	6. Bang Bang

**Title:** Humiliation  
**Genre:** Humor / General  
**Rating:** K+  
**Character:** Renji Abarai  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** The harder you try, the dumber you look.  
**Word Count: **276  
**Warnings:** Shameless torture of all shinigami and their happenings in the human world.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Bleach_ more things like this would happen.

**A/N:** Was watching the early episodes of _Bleach_ the other day and it was the one where Rukia couldn't get that juice box open. So, I shall make all shinigami have drabbles where they are retarded about normal human-world stuff. But I need ideas, since I only know what I want to do for a few of them.

**Dedication**: For _CO Raven_ who gave me the idea for "the first time Renji used a gun" like, a million years ago.

* * *

"Now this here, sir, is the safety lock."

"Uh-huh."

The man swallowed nervously, reaching up to loosen his tie. The strange red-headed man with the tribal tattoos and the terrifying expression had somehow pulled him into selling him a gun. The man had no I.D., no knowledge of firearms, and, when asked what he needed the gun for, he'd just grinned positively demonically and told the salesman it was none of his business.

The poor salesman shuddered to think what the scary man needed a rifle for, but he'd paid cash for it, so, well, there you go.

"And well, this is how you load the bullets, sir," he said, loading a couple as he said it.

Wine-red eyes watched his every move.

"And this is the trigger-"

The firearm was suddenly snatched out of his hands. "I know this part!"

The salesman felt his stomach leap into his throat at the grin the man was sporting. "You, uh, do…?"

The smirk widened. "I saw this on the TV."

His eyes widened. "On the… TV? Um, sir?" He jumped when the rifle was cocked with an overly load click. "You aren't allowed to – AH!"

A bullet suddenly went whizzing over him, and he ducked behind the counter, hands over his head. When the man leaned over the counter to see what he was doing, he yelped in panic.

"Hey, are you al-" The clicking sound of multiple guns sounded. "-right?"

Renji straightened, turning, and staring at the half-a-dozen security personal all pointing small guns at him.

He grinned sheepishly, one hand rubbing the back of his neck and slinging the rifle over his shoulder. "Ummm… oops?"

* * *

**A/N:** This is bad. Like, really, really, _really_ bad…… Ah, well. You win some, you lose some.

I know next to nothing about guns. Seriously. I can shoot a 38 and hit someone. But, uhhh, that's pretty much it. So, since I know nothing about rifles, there's not much here.

Also, we're pretending Soul Society gives them money for their stay in the human world, how else would they do anything? I assume they need to eat, gigai or not. And, well, let's just say Renji used ALL of his funds, and that's why he had to have Rukia dress him in that crazed hippie outfit plus Chappy the Rabbit shirt. ::shudders:: I have nightmares about that shirt. It _eats_ people.


End file.
